Hudson Hell: Possibly the worst hotel in NYC

UPDATE 3/15/07: Hotel Guy informs me that the over-priced youth hostel known as the Hudson Hotel is no longer an Ian Schraeger business, but is in fact owned by Morgans Hotel Group, Apologies to Ian.



On a recent trip to the Big Apple, co-worker got a rate for us at the Hudson Hotel. For those of you who are unhip, or actually have a modicum of common sense, the Hudson is one of coke-snorting felon Ian Schrager's properties. He has followed pretty much the same formula with all his hotels. It goes like this:

1. Hire A-hole staff
2. Dress them in black (remember they are hip)
3. Redecorate a room that is the size of a closet with hip features like a funny looking sink
4. Treat your guests like...unwanted guests. No phony hotel staff smiles here. You see, they are all HIP.
5. Put a "hip" bar in the lobby and fill with the most desperately needy people since Sex and the City was on the air (of course, they shot a scene here).
6. Ignore every amenity and service people look for in a hotel. Instead, bank on the fact that there are enough stupid insecure suckers out there who will pay top dollar not because they like the place, but are afraid if they point out that the emperor has no clothes, people might not think that they are hip.

Here is what a stay at the Hudson is like.

First, there is no sign out front to give you any idea that you are actually at the Hudson Hotel. Wow, that is soooo hip.

Imagine it is freezing cold outside and you are lugging a heavy suitcase. Because of the wicked winds, you can barely open the glass door that stands between you and all that hipness. You have to put your suitcase down and use both hands to open it. But get this, not one, but TWO A-hole doorman are standing right there!!! A-hole #1 is outside with you, and A-hole #2 is on the other side of the glass. "Let me explain the concept of DOOR MAN to you. That means you MAN THE DOOR!!!" They just stand there with their arms folded in front them, trying to look like they are part of Snoop's posse. One actually turns his head and looks at me. I could tell he was deciding whether he should actually open the door for me, but I guess he decided that action would detract from his thug hipster posing. "YOU ARE A F****ING DOOR MAN!!!" (although he probably tells people he works "security at the Hudson Hotel").

So you drag your suitcase onto an escalator that, judging by some of the other guests I saw, is way to narrow for a hotel. Note to Ian: people who stay in hotels sometimes have luggage.

You go to the front desk, but the music is so loud that you can barely hear the vapid check-in babe tell you that your Hudson card enables you to get into "all the hotel's facilities" (more on that later).

Up the elevator you go. After meandering down long, dark (re: hip) hallways you get to your room. I am not kidding when I say these rooms are small. I lived in Manhattan in the same neighborhood as the Hudson, so I know small, and these were smaallll. How small?

• There is an almost queen bed in the middle and about 1.5-2 ft. of clearance around the bed.
• The only way to actually see your full length in the full length mirror is to stand on the bed.
• The bathroom is so small that the bathmat does not fit on the floor (I swear to God).

Don't believe me? Take a look at this VR tour from their site. Keep in mind they shot it with a fish-eye lens so it looks even bigger than it is. Notice anything missing?

Hmm...how about a desk? Well, they had to take the desk out or otherwise there would not have been any room for them to turn around. It is not a desk really, just an Ikea-like shelf thing that was as deep as my laptop.

TV? In one of the cubby holes there is a crappy 11" portable on a pull out tray. Looks like a Radio Shack discount deal.

Wall outlets? I could only find one...and it was not underneath the "desk."

Oh, and lets not for get the light switches!! Very, very hip. After feeling up the lamp looking for a switch, I finally found what looks like a plastic toothpick sticking out of the base that you are supposed to toggle. Silly me. In my very unhip world, I am used to little knobs or pull chains to turn out the lights. I thought the battle was done, but it took me another few minutes that the decorative tassel on the headboard is actually the pull switch to turn off the accent lighting behind the head board. I felt like a rat in a Skinner box.

The Hudson Hotel Web site says that the wood-paneled rooms are "reminiscent of a private cabin on an upscale yacht." Laying on the bed, which was just a few inches off the ground, the experience is more like being in a coffin.

You can also see from the VR tour that the only thing between the bedroom and the shower is a glass wall. You can pull a curtain over it if you want, or you can feel like your are working a Times Square peepshow booth when you bathe.

So I go down to the bar for a drink. The Library bar is actually kind of cool....but there is no bar to sit at. Only comfy leather chairs arranged in conversation pits. Nice if you are with a group, but not when you are by yourself.

So I go to the main lobby bar. This is kind of funny. It is separated from the lobby by a glass wall, so you can stand OUTSIDE admiring all the hip beautiful people and longing for the day that your are cool enough to go INSIDE. Oh yeah, that's right, I am a guest at the hotel. So I go over to the velvet rope they have set up inside (again, everything I say here is true). I have on my typical travel clothes, a pair of cords and a casual button down shirt (which I untucked and folded back the cuffs on in a vain, last minute attempt to look hip). I walk up to the rope following a group of very young and very good looking people only to be stopped by A-hole #3. He asks for my hotel guest card! (so much for my attempts at posing). He first says my room key is not enough proof I am staying there, but he then relents and lets me in.

I won't bore you with the details of the bar itself. The dress code at the Hudson Hotel bar is the same as every other velvet rope joint in the city. Men: Dress and act like you can actually afford to be here. Women: Dress and act like a stripper on her day off.

I really hate places like this. There is always a self-congratulatory air about them-as if being deemed hip enough by the minimum-wage bouncer to get in and look at all the less hip people on the other side of the glass is reason enough to celebrate. The thing is, the entire hotel has that feel. I downed one way to expensive Martini (even for NYC) while a very obvious hooker tried to chat me up. Left there, called my wife, and went to Kennedy's, a great pub around the corner for a civilized Guinness.

So that is pretty much what you are in for at the Hudson Hotel. I could actually see the Library lounge and bar as a destination (if it is your style), but as a hotel, it is hell.